… and found myself in a place that was pure white. I could not see any walls, or ceiling, or even the floor under me. All I could see was white.
And, a few yards away from me, sat a Mayan.
Okay, I don’t know if he was REALLY a Mayan or not. But he did look like one. Big feather headdress, sandals, the works. He was looking at me very crossly.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he thought. His lips never moved. Nice.
“Um… I’m here to stop the end of the world. You?”
“Now why would you want to do that!?” he didn’t answer.
“Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” I told him. “Now, are you going to help, or do I have to work around you?”
“Work AROUND me!? Do you know who I am!?”
The Mayan looked very annoyed at that, and stood up at his full height and spread his arms wide. “I am Kukulkahn, greatest of gods!”
Oh, one of THOSE. “No you’re not.”
He looked a bit deflated at that. “I am too! I am the great feathered serpent! The creator of man!”
“You are noticeably un-snakelike and unfeathered. Besides, man evolved from primates in East Africa about 2 million years ago, so no, you didn’t create man.”
He put his arms down and looked at me rather dejectedly. “Did too.”
“Yeah. I’m afraid so. Read it in a book, and everything.”
“Oh, poopie,” Kukulkahn said, as he sadly sat cross-legged on the… um, floor?… and rested his chin in his hands. He looked rather pathetic for a major deity. “So I guess I don’t get to destroy the world?”
“‘Afraid not. You didn’t make it, you don’t get to break it.”
“Well, then, what AM I supposed to do? I’ve been looking forward to this!” He looked around at the… um, nothing… then beckoned me closer. “There isn’t much to do around here,” he whispered conspiratorially.
I felt bad for the guy, really. I mean, mass-homicidal bloodthirsty deity or not, the guy had to be kinda bored. Then I remembered the bag. Cooper probably loaded it with weapons or bombs or tools or something, so I wasn’t very hopefully, but it was all I had.
“Hey,” I said, looking in the bag, “it looks like I’ve got DVDs for all ten seasons of ‘Stargate SG-1’ in here! ‘Babylon 5, too!” That’s Cooper… ready for anything.
“Really?” Kukulkahn perked up. “Anything else?”
“Yeah… looks like a whole run of Joss Whedon shows… a few seasons of ‘Friends”… looks like some episodes of ‘LOST’… Oh, look, you’ve got a gift card for a subscription to Netflix in here! You’re set, dude!”
“Great!” He cried out with a big smile, but then he frowned again. “But I don’t have a TV or DVD player here.”
“Can you get me back home? And can you come with me”
“In that case, let me introduce you to this thing we have called ‘TARGET’…”
“And that,” I later said to the Man in the Fez, “is how I met your mother!”
“Funny,” he lied, as he sipped on a double mocha latte in front of a coffee shop in Phoenixville. “So, it doesn’t look like he’ll be a problem anymore?”
“Not as long as he’s got stuff to look at. I may arrange some high-speed internet for him, too. As long as he doesn’t get bored, I think we’re OK. He just didn’t have much to do up there in… I dunno… ‘GOD-WORLD’, or whatever you want to call it. It seems pretty dull, actually.”
“Well, deities aren’t known for being the most exciting entities out there, unfortunately.” He finished his drink, and got up to leave.
“So, before you go… why did you pick me?”
The Man in the Fez looked at me as if he were sizing me up to determine if I should be told or not. “Because, you weren’t going to question it. You’d take everything at face value if it’s right in front of your face, then work out the hows, whys, and wherefores later… AFTER the problem was solved. Not everyone can do that. Plus, you looked like you needed something to do.”
“So, because I was bored?”
“Exactly!” he smiled.
“But I still don’t get it. It’s not like it’s my job to save the world.”
He stopped, and looked at me very seriously. “Wrong. It’s everybody’s job to save the world. You just got to do it bigger. Here, have a cookie,” he said as he pulled a nice, wrapped chocolate chip cookie from his pocket.
“That’s all I get for saving the world?” I asked as I took the cookie (hey, I was hungry).
“No, you also still have a place to live and keep all your stuff. That’s important too.” He turned to leave again.
“You’re going to call on me again at some point, aren’t you?”
He looked back and gave me the same grin that Mephistopheles must have given Faust.
“Only if you’re bored. So stay busy.”