…will be 1920 x 1080. 🙂
Happy New Year to you all!
…will be 1920 x 1080. 🙂
Happy New Year to you all!
The following is just… terrible.
A trailer for two upcoming WB movies… a live-action version of “Hong Kong Phooey”, with Eddie Murphy voicing the canine martial-artist, and a live-action Marvin the Martian movie…
These are both just… I… ack… GAH… *collapses in frothing anger and despair*
We need something to counteract that, and FAST! So here’s Sir Patrick Stewart with a cat…
Finding lots and lots of cool stuff that people are posting for the Holidays, that I won’t be able to use for “Twelve Days of Geekmas” until NEXT year! :-\
For my Christian friends, and all others who celebrate it, have a Merry Christmas!
To those who don’t celebrate it, Happy Sir Isaac Newton’s Birthday!
To those who celebrate neither, have a great Tuesday!
But no matter what, have a great day, and may (Your Deity or Higher Power of choice) Bless Us Every One!
My blog automatically cross-posts to my Facebook page and to my Tumblr account.
Facebook automatically cross-posts to my Twitter feed.
And now, I have Twitter set to automatically cross-post to my Livejournal account.
So now, no matter where you are, you cannot escape me…
“I am a sperotheist.* I do not know there is a God. I do not believe there is a God. I hope there is a God. The danger of praying to Her seems no worse than being unheard.”
(*NOTE: Sperotheism is wrong in the same way that “polyamory” is wrong… you should never mix your Latin and Greek roots! 🙂 )
Happy Ho idays to friends and oved ones c ose and far! I ove you a ! B essings to you and yours this yu etide season!
Well, I hope that you all got some entertainment out of the little story I put together today on my blog. It was kind of an experiment, really. I haven’t done any real writing for a while, so I decided just to give it a go. What you got to see was the first draft, written down completely stream-of-consciousness, with no editing or rewriting (other than edits for spelling, punctuation, and grammar). I hope you enjoyed it. If not, well, then, sorry about that.
If you liked it, let me know, and I may do something like it again. 🙂
… and found myself in a place that was pure white. I could not see any walls, or ceiling, or even the floor under me. All I could see was white.
And, a few yards away from me, sat a Mayan.
Okay, I don’t know if he was REALLY a Mayan or not. But he did look like one. Big feather headdress, sandals, the works. He was looking at me very crossly.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he thought. His lips never moved. Nice.
“Um… I’m here to stop the end of the world. You?”
“Now why would you want to do that!?” he didn’t answer.
“Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” I told him. “Now, are you going to help, or do I have to work around you?”
“Work AROUND me!? Do you know who I am!?”
The Mayan looked very annoyed at that, and stood up at his full height and spread his arms wide. “I am Kukulkahn, greatest of gods!”
Oh, one of THOSE. “No you’re not.”
He looked a bit deflated at that. “I am too! I am the great feathered serpent! The creator of man!”
“You are noticeably un-snakelike and unfeathered. Besides, man evolved from primates in East Africa about 2 million years ago, so no, you didn’t create man.”
He put his arms down and looked at me rather dejectedly. “Did too.”
“Yeah. I’m afraid so. Read it in a book, and everything.”
“Oh, poopie,” Kukulkahn said, as he sadly sat cross-legged on the… um, floor?… and rested his chin in his hands. He looked rather pathetic for a major deity. “So I guess I don’t get to destroy the world?”
“‘Afraid not. You didn’t make it, you don’t get to break it.”
“Well, then, what AM I supposed to do? I’ve been looking forward to this!” He looked around at the… um, nothing… then beckoned me closer. “There isn’t much to do around here,” he whispered conspiratorially.
I felt bad for the guy, really. I mean, mass-homicidal bloodthirsty deity or not, the guy had to be kinda bored. Then I remembered the bag. Cooper probably loaded it with weapons or bombs or tools or something, so I wasn’t very hopefully, but it was all I had.
“Hey,” I said, looking in the bag, “it looks like I’ve got DVDs for all ten seasons of ‘Stargate SG-1’ in here! ‘Babylon 5, too!” That’s Cooper… ready for anything.
“Really?” Kukulkahn perked up. “Anything else?”
“Yeah… looks like a whole run of Joss Whedon shows… a few seasons of ‘Friends”… looks like some episodes of ‘LOST’… Oh, look, you’ve got a gift card for a subscription to Netflix in here! You’re set, dude!”
“Great!” He cried out with a big smile, but then he frowned again. “But I don’t have a TV or DVD player here.”
“Can you get me back home? And can you come with me”
“In that case, let me introduce you to this thing we have called ‘TARGET’…”
“And that,” I later said to the Man in the Fez, “is how I met your mother!”
“Funny,” he lied, as he sipped on a double mocha latte in front of a coffee shop in Phoenixville. “So, it doesn’t look like he’ll be a problem anymore?”
“Not as long as he’s got stuff to look at. I may arrange some high-speed internet for him, too. As long as he doesn’t get bored, I think we’re OK. He just didn’t have much to do up there in… I dunno… ‘GOD-WORLD’, or whatever you want to call it. It seems pretty dull, actually.”
“Well, deities aren’t known for being the most exciting entities out there, unfortunately.” He finished his drink, and got up to leave.
“So, before you go… why did you pick me?”
The Man in the Fez looked at me as if he were sizing me up to determine if I should be told or not. “Because, you weren’t going to question it. You’d take everything at face value if it’s right in front of your face, then work out the hows, whys, and wherefores later… AFTER the problem was solved. Not everyone can do that. Plus, you looked like you needed something to do.”
“So, because I was bored?”
“Exactly!” he smiled.
“But I still don’t get it. It’s not like it’s my job to save the world.”
He stopped, and looked at me very seriously. “Wrong. It’s everybody’s job to save the world. You just got to do it bigger. Here, have a cookie,” he said as he pulled a nice, wrapped chocolate chip cookie from his pocket.
“That’s all I get for saving the world?” I asked as I took the cookie (hey, I was hungry).
“No, you also still have a place to live and keep all your stuff. That’s important too.” He turned to leave again.
“You’re going to call on me again at some point, aren’t you?”
He looked back and gave me the same grin that Mephistopheles must have given Faust.
“Only if you’re bored. So stay busy.”
A short time later, I found myself in an underground tunnel, riding in a golf-cart sort of vehicle next to The Colonel, as he explained to me what was going on. Sorta…
“Area 51 is, of course, completely fake. We made it up to divert attention from the existence of Areas 1 through 50,” he explained. “Each area researches a different unusual item or occurrence. Area 1 has the Ark of the Covenant, Area 2 has the Crystal Skulls, etc.. Area 23 was designed to examine the recovered item from Roswell.”
“The crashed UFO?”
“No, that’s just what we tell everyone. It keeps the nutjobs at The History Channel off of our backs.”
“So, what is it, then?”
We came to a stop in front of a set of massive steel doors, with red emergency lights flashing on either side. The soldiers on either side came to attention as The Colonel jumped out of the cart and gestured for them to open the door.
Inside was a huge chamber. In the center, about 5 feel above the floor, floated a silver disc-shaped object, about 50 feet across. It looked like two plates, one turned upside-down and placed on top of the other.
“I thought you said it wasn’t a Flying Saucer?”
“No, I said it wasn’t an Unidentified Flying Object. Granted, we haven’t identified it, and it does fly, but…” As his voice trailed off, he took a coin out of his pocket, and tossed it at the Saucer. It went clean through it and hit the far wall.
“It’s not an object,” I said.
“Exactly. We have no idea what it is, but it isn’t solid. Most items go right through it.”
“MOST items? What doesn’t?”
“People. They just vanish when they touch it.”
“Well, okay then,” I said, as I grabbed the duffel bag from the soldier who had brought it in, and turned to start walking toward the Saucer.
“Stop! You don’t know what’ll happen to you!”
“True, but it can’t be any worse than what’ll happen if I can’t stop this,” I said, as I touched it…
She lied. It stung a LOT.
As I regained my senses, the first thing I noticed was that it was very hot. And very bright. And windy. After several moments, I opened my eyes to look around, and realized that I was in a desert. Well, in some sort of base in the desert. And they apparently weren’t very happy to have uninvited visitors.
There were several soldiers in BDUs standing around me, guns trained on my head and torso. As I dropped Cooper’s bag and raised my hands over my head, a dark-skinned man in a blue officer’s uniform stepped forward, with a silver eagle.
“Hello there, Colonel,” I said, looking around nervously. “I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”
He looked me up and down, apparently deemed that I wasn’t a threat, and gestured for the other soldiers to lower their weapons. “Mister, I think we’re all in trouble,” he said with a smooth southern drawl, as he pointed behind me.
I turned to see, out across the desert, a funnel of smoke and fire stretching from the earth to the clouds. It almost looked like it was drilling into the ground underneath it. That’s not good, I thought.
“How long has that been going on?”
“Since ’bout 6am local time. When we reported it, we were told to expect help… I just wasn’t expecting it to just suddenly appear in a flash of light. But we’re used to the unexpected ’round these parts. Anyways, I’m glad you’re here.”
Well, at least ONE of us was. “And where’s here?”
The Colonel gave me a half-smile. “Welcome to Area 23, sir. Hope you can stays awhile.”
Twenty-five minutes later, we were pulling up outside of a dilapidated warehouse in Bridgeport. I’m glad the drive was quick… Cooper spent the whole trip clipping his fingernails when he wasn’t giving me directions or clearing his throat. Once I parked, Cooper jumped out and pulled the duffel bag he’d brought out of the back seat. I walked up to the door and raised my hand to knock, but Cooper just turned the knob and walked right in past me.
“You weren’t followed, were you!?”
Once my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw that the single room inside looked like a mad scientist’s laboratory decorated by Stevie Nicks, with a weird mix of scientific equipment, occult paraphernalia, and candles strewn about haphazardly. In the middle of it all was a lovely young woman with short dark hair and glasses, who didn’t even look old enough to be out of college. She was draped in a shawl that covered the tattoos on her arms and shoulders, sitting cross-legged in the middle of what looked like some sort of summoning circle that was drawn into the floor, reading a very old book.
“No, I don’t think that they’re on to us yet, y’old witch,” said Cooper. “But nevermind that… we’ve gotta get this guy to the Conjunction.”
She looked at me then, with eyes darker than sin or night. “The fez-man told YOU what to do?”
“No,” I said, “but he told me what led up to this, and I think I know what to do. He didn’t need to explain much… I’ve studied conspiracy theory for years. I just didn’t believe it.”
“More the fool you. Everything is true… even the false things.” She then snapped the book shut and stood up, stepping out of the circle and pointing to where she’d been sitting. “Stand there.”
I did as I was told as she grabbed a beaker filled with some sort of red powder from a table and began pouring it on the floor around the circle. Cooper dropped the duffel bag next to me, then stepped away and looked out the window. “Car,” he said. “They’re here.” Past him, out the window, I could see two men in black suits and sunglasses walking toward the door.
“Dammit! Block the door… I still need a few seconds!” she said as she finished making her powdered circle. Cooper grabbed a heavy table and dragged it over by the door as she started chanting quietly. I picked up the bag and looked at her.
“You know what you’re doing? You don’t look old enough to be a wizard…”
She stopped chanting, smiled, and pulled out a box of matches. “I’m an old soul.” She struck a match and held it over the powder. “Hold on. This is going to sting a little…”
She dropped the match as the door exploded, and the world went white…
Cooper’s house was locked up tighter than a tomb.
He left a note on the door. “Gone 2 thee outback.” Anyone who didn’t know Cooper would think that he’d fled. But I knew better… Cooper was nuts.
I went around the house to his backyard shed, and I pounded on the door. The voice inside yelled out, “Go away! I’ve gone to Australia!”
“Cooper, it’s me. Open up, dammit!”
Several lock-clicks and bolt-clacks later, the shed door opened, and Cooper’s balding head poked out, the remains of his long, stringy hair framing his gnomish face as his eyes took a moment to focus on me. “What the hell are YOU doing here!? You should be heading for Australia! It’s safe there”
“Australia’s never safe, Cooper. And right now, NOWHERE is! You know that… I’ve read your Facebook posts! I need to get to the Point.”
His eyes narrowed at me. “You’ve never believed me before…”
“That’s because you’re a paranoid, delusional lunatic, Cooper. But you also happen to be right. So help me out here.”
He smiled then… the sort of smile that frightens little children and grown men who know better. “You’ve seen him! You’ve talked to the Man with the Fez!”
I nodded, grimly.
His eyes focused then, and he seemed to stand a little straighter. It was as if whatever demons preyed on his poor, deluded mind had suddenly fled, and for the first time in many years, he remembered who he was.
“Alright. Bring the car around. Not yours… mine. Here are the keys. I have to grab a few things out of the basement. I’ll meet you out front in five. Keep the car running. We’re off to see the Wizard…”
Okay, I was able to give them the slip by waiting until they walked into my building, then I climbed down off the balcony. Good thing I’m only on the second floor… I’m not built for this sort of thing. Ran around the building to my car and got the hell out of Dodge before they even got to the door of my apartment.
So, I have to get to the Conjunction Point before the Greys are able to complete the Summoning, which they can’t do until the Alignment. That at least gives me a couple of hours. But that’s not enough time. I’m going to need help to have any chance of pulling this off.
Cooper. I’ve got to find Cooper…
Okay, okay… I think I got this.
The man with the fez explained it all. No, really… ALL OF IT! The Mayans, Illuminati, Niburu, Roswell… all of it fits together! I understand now!
I think I can fix this. I don’t have a lot of time, but I think there’s still a shot. I just have to get to the conjunction point before the alignment occurs, and then I can… wait.
A black Lincoln Continental just pulled up behind the building. I think they found me. Dammit.
I have to run…
Well, it’s 12/21/12, and there’s no apocalypse! Now, granted, technically we have until midnight tonight, but I don’t see any reason to worry. It’s a beautiful day outside, even if the clouds in the sky do look a bit… odd.
Hold on… someone’s at the door. Who would that be at THIS time of the morning…?